How To Humiliate Yourself

Buy tickets to a really racy show like De La Guarda and take him/her and your parents. Watch your mother get spanked by one of the cast members and watch your step-father scream, "Buzz Off!" (really loud and angrily) at the cast member who did it.

Watch a naked man swing around on the ceiling above and dangerously close to your mother, picking up random people in the audience and swinging them suggestively around with tribal music in the background. Watch your stepfather and mother look on disapprovingly (make sure you notice how horrified they are - don't bring a camera (because you can't have one in the theater anyway) but wish you had).

Then watch as this really rude and annoying Argentine boy pushes you and your family members (and your boyfriend) out of the way, time and again. Watch your boyfriend attempt to protect your parents from him. Watch water fall from the ceiling onto your mom's nice shoes and her carefully arranged coif. Let's not neglect to mention the wind machines. And, the simulated rainfall...over and over and over again. Oh - don't forget the wind machines, again. Ah. That's nice. Thanks.

Then watch the whole place turn into a techno dance club with strobe lights and scary music while your mother and stepfather cower in the corner.

Oh - don't forget - make them stand the whole time - a full hour and a half. Your stepfather only had knee-joint replacement surgery six months ago. He can handle it.

And, make sure they don't eat beforehand because then they will be even crankier when they leave the theater.

Did I forget about the naked woman who was swinging back and forth against a red sheet? I think she was moaning, too. But, by that time, it was near the end of the show and I was just trying to find my parents amidst the debris; paper, confetti, popped balloons, water, sweaty people, origami and that bastard little Argentine boy who was pushing me around all night.

Any questions? If not, just follow these simple rules and you will get the desired results. Good luck.

- A. Murphy

Referred to as 'Murphy', this sporadic writer observes the wild life at large as a completely detached but interested outsider. Someday, Murphy will write a book, but for now Murphy is too busy making Real Money at a Real Job.

Posted by Murphy in New York on 01/Nov/1999